It was the summer after my freshman year in college(circa: 2013). I was returning home for the break. I had a long layover in Delhi IGI. It was a painful experience. Aside from the June heat and my oblivion about hot pants still not being cool to wear at the time, regardless of heat, I was just stared at and questioned a bunch. I could hear people within an earshot of me making lewd comments about me in Hindi, thinking I don’t understand what they are saying, saying things I’d rather not repeat, because I refuse to let such language into my vocabulary. It was something similar to the outfit below.

As I boarded the domestic flight to my hometown Amritsar, an Air India flight attendant threw a blanket on my legs without me ever having asked for it.

I felt humiliated.

A girl (yes, girl) wouldn’t leave me alone and kept saying I am very ‘kweet’ and she wants my number.

Eventually I reached home.

That day I swore to never book a domestic transfer flight and always only look for one that flies from Amritsar to Doha, if not directly to US, because Doha layover just felt more comforting.

That, along with, some other personal experiences heavily colored my opinion of my country, making me despise more than just that airport.

I chose to only hang with American friends. In the beginning, It came from a place of lack of options as there weren’t many Indians in my middle-of-no-where school in Missouri, but as the years progressed, it became more of a default setting.

I noticed how a little more relaxed and laid back my American roommate was, even on a school night. “Oh so you can eat ice cream and watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother and New Girl even when rent and homework are due soon” - it was a foreign feeling to me not have to marinate in anxiety and stress until a big test/deadline was done with.

The ramen started to feel tastier than Maggi, I started enjoying being called “Stewti”.

Enters: a sorority girl from Mumbai. Invited to my house for a movie night by the Nepali boyfriend of my NOT-INDIAN friend. We started by playing some NOT INDIAN YouTube videos but ended by troll-watching a Bollywood movie. Right off the bat, I did not like this Mumbai girl Ramolaa. She was loud, extroverted, too happy, and ‘pretending not to be Indian’ which ticked me off (oh, the irony).

I warmed up to the idea of befriending her as the days progressed - perhaps it was because she was the light of the party (every party), funny, a good cook - I don’t remember at what point exactly the script flipped but we ended up becoming best friends from there on out - and still continue to be so (12 years strong)

Ramolaa and I during my sophomore year (2013)	Picture of Ramolaa and I in my current house (2025)

When speaking of India v/s Abroad life topics such as money(budgeting-to-savings ratio comparison) is talked about a lot. So are other factors such as aging parents, lifestyle differences, et al. I have divided the rest of the post explaining my experiences around these factors as well as some other personal reasons that made me no longer want to apply to go back.

Feel free to click on the following to jump to certain topics of your choosing:

• My Calories and Currencies don’t count on the weekends rule
• Your parents are not the only one growing older, so are you
• Chasing the Markers of Mimetic Desire
• Living abroad: Men v/s Women
• Fickle Perceptions and Final Thoughts

Calories and Currencies don’t count on the weekends

I am someone who likes to max out on enjoyment with the rule - calories and currencies don’t count over the weekends. I love food and want to treat myself to my favorite foods, especially on the weekends. I can do this without burning a hole in wallet here. (Don’t ask about the calories part, you’re not my mom/trainer lol). I saw this post on LinkedIn post a while ago. At the time, the picture that went with it ticked me because it pointed towards my lack of ability to make much savings during my times in the US; but I can now acknowledge that, aside from reducing the two experiences down to dollars and cents and misspelling the word “splurge” a bunch, it does hold true.

I am able to eat, drink, enjoy like a king in my country and still have decent savings in my bank account; without having to change my financial habits a whole lot. I still don’t use a budgeting app and live the same lifestyle but still have a lot of money left towards the end of the month, which I now seem to value more than how I felt about savings during my early 20s.

My receny blinkit discovery has also re-invoked the chef in me as it is fast, cheap, convenient and has equipped me into enjoying a mutli-cultual feast of a menu. I made thai curry, beetroot pink pasta, and tacos - all in the same weekend once and both me and my family were impressed.😋

Your parents are not the only one growing older, So are you

I wrote about this in a previous blog too:

“I am still a little scared that this new found energy may vanish as up until my 20s, I moved furniture and houses across several American states just fine but as soon as I hit 30, having to move furniture and assemble Ikea couches leads to a mean lower back ache that makes the strong independent feminist evaporate right out of my body.”

Most people cite aging parents and/or childcare being the primary reason to move back. The comfort of proximity and access to cheap househelp and healthcare that I also spoke about in my reverse culture shock YouTube video is something NRIs still covet.

But one thing we often forget is that, while we care for dependents at both ends of the age spectrum, we ourselves are also steadily moving along that same spectrum. At one point, moving houses and maneuvering visas, language and culture barrier hassles can become a bit much.

Prolonged homesickness and loneliness can hamper productivity and mental health. I for one, have noticed that being geographically closer to my parents as a single child, has made a significant difference to my mental health.

When you’re closer to home the troubles just feels less . . .troublesome. Be it a bad back pain or a bad brekaup, it just feels lighter when I’m in my home country. Simple Hindi words such as acchha , theek hai, chai peeyenge? - are now a salve to my soul.

It was assumed that living away from my hometown Amritsar is good for me, which still holds true, but a once in a month visit (as opposed to once a year) has made a world of difference. I can get monthly my kulcha/poori fix, visit the Golden Temple, hang with my parents - all three of which have helped me be grounded in ways not only noticable to me but also my friends.

Comedy show with Mom	Golden Temple visit	Twinning with Mom

I got this message the other day out of the blue from a friend in California whom I haven’t talked in a while and that felt like the best compliment I have received in a while.

Chasing the Markers of Mimetic Desire

The concept of mimetic desire has always interest me; more so when it came into the zeitgeist in a not-so-recent but very relevant White Lotus Episode

The theory comes from René Girard, a social science philosopher who explains how not all of our desires are intrinsically motivated.

“Do you want this or do you want others to know that you have it?” sounds like an Emma Chamberlain youtube video title but is also something that is a question worth pondering.

An excerpt from this medium article briefly explains the concept I’m trying to get at.

AbRoAd-settled is still seen as so much of a status symbol, even more so in desi society, that it becomes hard to overlook how much the motivation to do so is instrinic v/s there being external factors at play.

Labubus and pistachio chocolate craze are more topical examples of extrinsic motivated desires.

The story of this young CEO also says a lot to this point.

Here’s a link to economic times article with the same story for those who’d prefer something more legible than screenshot of an Instagram post 😉

Him saying he wanted to look like Elon and then realizing how that didn’t lead to much fulfilment really pulled at my heartstrings and is a case-in-point when it comes to us chasing, what I call, the markers of mimetic desire.

We as a society do so much to seem sorted, to become Berlin waale instead of Gwalior waale in the eyes of our relatives, to be like Elon as this guy did, most are chasing dreams that are fueled by mimetic desire. India, despite having reached the peak of problem solving at the largest scale possible, still seeks western/white validation for some reason.

I have noticed this everyday since I was a kid and was put of pedestal at each party because I looked like a “foreigner” because of my light skin.

I thought it was just a state-specific thing that no longer existed but I keep seeing, say actress the Tammannah Bhatia being referred to as “milky beauty” which confirmed that this complexion-is-currency mentality still exists in 2025.

My YouTube videos haven’t picked up much views and I’m resorting to seeing it as more of a side quest/passion project instead of trying to appease the algorithm but for my parents and their peers, I’m doing a great job because I’m speaking really good English “like foreigners”.

People who do have country pride still chase markers of mimetic desire such as US jobs with high salary, oblivious to the fact that these may not guarantee a high quality of life.

TW: mental health, suicide theme anecdote ahead; Click here to skip

I once had to be hospitalised for a mental health crisis(panic attack). While I was in that situation for only a few hours, I met a Meta staff software engineer in that hospital who had been checked in for a month after a suicide attempt, and was finally on track to go to rehab for his alcoholism. He had a beautiful wife and owned all markers of the desi American dream; the ultimate job package handsome Munda. I haven’t been able to look at any FAANG/MANGO et al tech crowd with the same pedestal-worthy awe that Indian society tends to reserve for them, ever since.

People do so much to look good on paper, to maintain the optics of being happy and successful but they rarely ask themselves if what they are running for is in line with what they really want to do deep down.

I’m not immune to this either . For instance I currently reside in Noida in a studio. I’m living my best life. I have lived in Himachal, in my hometown Amritsar, and recently traveled to Bangalore. I have traveled across some parts of my country while some still remain unexplored. I really wanted to experience for once living in a big Indian metro city while still being in close proximity to my parents/hometown.

I happen to choose this society from a sea of Airbnb listings because at the time I was trying to get housing for my Schengen visa appointment and I just happen to choose Noida because a close childhood friend resides nearby.

I quickly shifted gears during the recent India-Pakistan war panic, decide to ditch the visa appointment and live in the same building on a 6 month lease.

The hierarchy of Noida among the Delhi-NCR region is low but the stereotypes haven’t coloured my perception of this city because I love my society.

I love the people, including the working class that is supposedly advertised to be un-safe. I frequent uber bike as my commute, I go to sketchy allies to get momos, but there is a possibility that if one more person I meet via bumble bff/bookmyshow, anything that I’m trying to use to meet new people, makes me feel bad about living in Noida or spending so much on a small 1RK, I’d start researching apartments in Crowdy touristy Delhi/or Gurgaon.

I’m just more aware and immune to this at the moment because I have seen what chasing the markers of mimetic desire has done for my soul and my mental health - Nada.

Living Abroad is Different for Men vs Women

Aside from the 2013 IGI sob-story in the beginning of this post, there are many instances where, if one of my western yoga-loving friend visits India and loves it, my usual response to her used to be - well, living in India as an western women is quite different from the treatment a daughter (or worse, daughter-in-law) has to face. Being born into the culture is very different from visitng an ashram for 10 days to a month.

I am not surprised when a man says - ‘I don’t see whats wrong with living in India, its so comfortable and kingly’. That’s because they don’t have a curfew, even as adults, just one of many other restrictions. Walking around at night, is peak Indian-girl-luxury that I only experienced during my time abroad.

But now in-terms of the safety aspect, things have significantly changed since the IGI airport 2013 incident. Up until recently my brain viewed living in India as very black-n-white: either it was Amritsar or nothing - go abroad. Being used to living in modest Amritsar with parents. I have gotten into the habit of pulling a full length track pant over my shorts before going down to run a quick errand. But yesterday when I ran down for some Ice-cream, most if not all women in the society were walking around in shorts or loungewear/comfy pyjamas and buying cigarettes and ice cream without anyone batting an eyelid.

At this point I feel a 7/11 cashier in Atlanta is more likely to judge me for buying a wine bottle than a man at a theka in NCR.

They simply don’t care.

I assume so much negative press on an international level during the Nirbhaya case has really done something to the minds of Delhi men. They just don’t want to be seen in such negative light ever again.

I no longer feel I have to compromise my autonomy and independence in present-day-2025-India, which is something I thought was inevitable part of a woman’s life in India, hence making me dread living here.

There has been a rise in female solo travelers, especially from India, which makes me both happy and envious, that this idea is just now becoming mainstream, something I was looked down upon in 2012.

Personal jest aside(haha), I am so happy to see women be in-charge in every capacity, across all walks of life. I took an auto to grab wine the other day at 9pm, and the police inspector checking for the liquor license at that shop was a lady. We just exchanged smiles for a split second, but post that she went back to her stern assertive tone, the one she needs to be on for her duty. It was a refreshing site.

Fickle Perceptions and Final Thoughts

So should you never leave the country?

I don’t know

Maybe going through these experiences, challenges, epiphanies was the rite of passage I needed to come to the above realizations. This feels analogous to a now-sober person advocating for a sober lifestyle after having gone through both the highs and lows of being an alcoholic, haha.

Jokes aside, I still believe there is a lot of value to be gained from living abroad. Aside from the coursework, I learned so many other things that I have also talked about in a previous blog-post.

I like how now I can just pack a suitcase and live . . .anywhere - Bangalore, Mcleodganj, Sidhpur, now Noida, anywhere feels easy to me. I also want to attribute my culinary skills to my time abroad; it no longer feels like a gendered chore but something empowering and creative.

I have made international friends for life with whom I still catch up on the regular.

If I had to suggest good middle ground it would be, to yes, experience living abroad, but maybe don’t be dead set on SETTLING there. Acquire the experiences, skills, and stories but maybe we, as a culture, need to shed the shame we carry if/when someone moves back home.

I used to think this way because how people were perceived back home especially in my home state Punjab who are notorious for being PR-paglus, if you will. I became aware of this tendency while speaking to a dear friend and professor of mine. I was talking about my current job and I said - “…yeah so its a contract at the moment and one could call it a downgrade…”, when he interrupted me and said - “Stuti, what is this upgrade/downgrade talk, just be happy, which is what you seem at the moment”

So how can you bypass these markers of mimetic desire and identify what is right for YOU?

One thing to remember is people’s perception of you is very fickle. Here’s another personal anecdote to support this. I was once let go from of a company, something I thought at the time, I could never recover from but it took me only 9 days to sign another contract. But in those 9 days I learned so much about how fickle minds can be and how quickly their perception of you can change. During the beginning of this tough time an Indian friend of mine did treat me as if I were doomed, finding flaws in my case study presentation saying its too plain and I don’t know how to put effort in the design element of a deck. She also sided with the decision makers at the time but as soon as I signed the contract - her perception of me and entire tone around the situation changed. Same presentation that was one criticized for being too plain/lacking design effort was now labeled minimal and to-the-point. Suddenly she started expressing lack of interest in her current organization and wanting to join mine. So does this mean I became less smart and then suddenly very smart in just 9 days?

The same people we may seek validation from, knowingly or unkowningly, are also caught in the same web of chasing the markers of mimetic desire, status anxiety, and performative aspiration - especially in desi culture.

This is why I have always advocated for having a diverse multi-cultural friend group. It broadens perspective, it dilutes the noise. You could say that is one thing I wouldn’t have had, had I not left India. Do I miss that currently? Not really, I have still maintained those friendships and they are all one phone call away.

I want to point out that I do come from a privileged position in the sense that I don’t have any dependents (yet), I don’t have to send money back home to parents, my reasons to move were solely women safety/autonomy and to get a holistic education/living experience.

From that lense I do think I have achieved and gathered what I needed from the western countries and I am happy to be home now.

And as for maintaining and retaining independence and autonomy as a desi woman?

I think you just need to let them know that you’re standing on business; sooner or later they will clock it :)